Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
update
today was amazing. my six months were up and unlike most of my peers i was actually made to follow them. So to celebrate kort, rach jackson and i went to kalles to see tav, went to trackside, and then we all went over to kort's aunt's house to babysit. it was fun. we all played secret agent with the little kids.
i have not blogged lately because i have been incredibly busy.
random.
i have done really well with my eating healthy and tomorrow/today i am going to get a gym membership.
today shan shelly kort and i are going to Tacoma
my team got an A on the debate today.
Monday will be my fathers birthday
that deserves elaboration. it has been six months since i have had any contact with my father, i don't even like calling him that but i have nothing else to call him. i have a horrible burning hole because every day when i hear people talk about their dads at home who are mentally healthy i get extremely sad. it sucks. and i have a hard time expressing any emotion to the fact. sometimes i go on his myspace, i was curious one day and found it. Its proof to me that he is still alive, although i have no desire to ever see him or have any form of contact with him at all, it is still something i have to know. i also found out that he had a daughter before me, i never knew about her and neither did he ( i found out about a month ago) i finally tracked a picture down from long searching... i look kind of like her. she has really dark hair though, same eyes, same nose, different face shape. i don't know why i cried when i found out, most likely because i felt so bad for her that she had to share the same dad as me, i felt bad that her DNA had have him in it, i was jealous that she got his pretty eyes without having to know him. I got his pretty eyes, but those eyes had to suffer 16 years. i still get choked up thinking about her. She now knows she has a little sister (me) and an older brother(my brother) i think she wants to meet us, my brother and grandma want to meet her...why don't i? i keep searching for a logical reason as to why i don't want to meet this girl, she could be really cool she is my sister... but i don't want to bother her, she has a life she is 21? and she is set... the only thing i have to tell her is, kristen you are lucky so completely lucky that you got the pretty eyes and nothing else.
despite how sad this all sounds for the most part i am really happy, i just have some days when its inevitable not to think about it. the fact is i want a dad, as much as i joke that it doesn't bother me, all i want is a dad that comes home and isn't evil. all i want is a daddy.
but in place of that i have an amazing mom and amazing friends. nobody gets it all.
i have not blogged lately because i have been incredibly busy.
random.
i have done really well with my eating healthy and tomorrow/today i am going to get a gym membership.
today shan shelly kort and i are going to Tacoma
my team got an A on the debate today.
Monday will be my fathers birthday
that deserves elaboration. it has been six months since i have had any contact with my father, i don't even like calling him that but i have nothing else to call him. i have a horrible burning hole because every day when i hear people talk about their dads at home who are mentally healthy i get extremely sad. it sucks. and i have a hard time expressing any emotion to the fact. sometimes i go on his myspace, i was curious one day and found it. Its proof to me that he is still alive, although i have no desire to ever see him or have any form of contact with him at all, it is still something i have to know. i also found out that he had a daughter before me, i never knew about her and neither did he ( i found out about a month ago) i finally tracked a picture down from long searching... i look kind of like her. she has really dark hair though, same eyes, same nose, different face shape. i don't know why i cried when i found out, most likely because i felt so bad for her that she had to share the same dad as me, i felt bad that her DNA had have him in it, i was jealous that she got his pretty eyes without having to know him. I got his pretty eyes, but those eyes had to suffer 16 years. i still get choked up thinking about her. She now knows she has a little sister (me) and an older brother(my brother) i think she wants to meet us, my brother and grandma want to meet her...why don't i? i keep searching for a logical reason as to why i don't want to meet this girl, she could be really cool she is my sister... but i don't want to bother her, she has a life she is 21? and she is set... the only thing i have to tell her is, kristen you are lucky so completely lucky that you got the pretty eyes and nothing else.
despite how sad this all sounds for the most part i am really happy, i just have some days when its inevitable not to think about it. the fact is i want a dad, as much as i joke that it doesn't bother me, all i want is a dad that comes home and isn't evil. all i want is a daddy.
but in place of that i have an amazing mom and amazing friends. nobody gets it all.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
a poem my sister told.
this summer I went to Idaho after a certain event to get away. It is probably one of the most memorable times of the summer. A hard time, yes, but a beautiful time no doubt.
while in Idaho I worked everyday at my family's fruit stand, they(the 2 stands) are very large and resemble puyallup's Tacoma boys, but a little more personal and a lot cheaper. Working there, is maybe one of my favorite parts of the summer, i love it. My sister is a full time worker which results in her getting paid more and allowing her to be my "boss" when we are alone running the stand. At certain times it gets slow and she takes advantage of being my boss, but i don't mind because slow times are precious. Those are the times we eat all the fruit and draw on the cashier table and get mad at each other then forget about it seconds later.
Or the time i walk up and down the aisles with the broom sweeping, or the times i snip the dead off the flowers and arrange the flats with no same color toughing, then put them back because the pansies and tulips don't complement each other. But, my favorite part of the slow times are my sister's french poetry book. Under the cashier table we had a fan, water and books.
My sister is beautiful in so many ways but i think the most beautiful part of her would be her elegance in the french language. Her accent is fluent and only three years made it that way. Needless to say, it makes mine sound as thought I'm having a panic attack while pronouncing my "r".
Back to the poetry book,
"crapster (that's my name to her, I'm never Chelsea.) come here."
"what?"
"I'm reading you a poem."
"...okay?"
she read it, and i cried.
she translated it because the french was to complex for me. I only cried because of her voice and how beautiful it sounded (i stopped before she looked up, she doesn't know i cried,)
my sister is never very emotional, her heart has always been deeply tucked away, but she does little things that make it obvious that she loves me. Despite the times when she tells me I'm useless, and I'm only her half sister, but there are those times that i will cherish because i know she is a person that you have to cherish everything she does because it doesn't come often. I know she loves me, because she marked all the good poems and gave me the book. and I know she loves me because she makes me go to the store with her, and i know because on my sixteenth birthday she called me from Spokane, where she lives, to wish me a happy birthday crapster. I just said thank you fish ( that's her name to me, she is never tavona.) i was trying really hard to hide my excitement and shock that she called me. we talked a bit and I ended it like i always do, "bye fish", "i miss you and love you a lot."
That birthday i got the best birthday present i had ever received, "i love you too."
I've gotten one or two before and only one hug that i can remember after the ages of five and two, but all the other signs of affection were followed by the disclaimer, "i only love you because i have to and you're my little sister," but i know she loves me for me because like i said, she makes me go to the store with her, and she gives me poems and calls me on my birthday. and buys me hippie shirts, and makes sure i know everything about music and plays rock band with me and makes fun of my " rock band faces."
I'm glad she read that poem to me, and I'm glad she is my sister. i wrote this because i miss her all the time, I'm really proud of her and i wish she was happy and loved herself as much as i do.
while in Idaho I worked everyday at my family's fruit stand, they(the 2 stands) are very large and resemble puyallup's Tacoma boys, but a little more personal and a lot cheaper. Working there, is maybe one of my favorite parts of the summer, i love it. My sister is a full time worker which results in her getting paid more and allowing her to be my "boss" when we are alone running the stand. At certain times it gets slow and she takes advantage of being my boss, but i don't mind because slow times are precious. Those are the times we eat all the fruit and draw on the cashier table and get mad at each other then forget about it seconds later.
Or the time i walk up and down the aisles with the broom sweeping, or the times i snip the dead off the flowers and arrange the flats with no same color toughing, then put them back because the pansies and tulips don't complement each other. But, my favorite part of the slow times are my sister's french poetry book. Under the cashier table we had a fan, water and books.
My sister is beautiful in so many ways but i think the most beautiful part of her would be her elegance in the french language. Her accent is fluent and only three years made it that way. Needless to say, it makes mine sound as thought I'm having a panic attack while pronouncing my "r".
Back to the poetry book,
"crapster (that's my name to her, I'm never Chelsea.) come here."
"what?"
"I'm reading you a poem."
"...okay?"
she read it, and i cried.
she translated it because the french was to complex for me. I only cried because of her voice and how beautiful it sounded (i stopped before she looked up, she doesn't know i cried,)
my sister is never very emotional, her heart has always been deeply tucked away, but she does little things that make it obvious that she loves me. Despite the times when she tells me I'm useless, and I'm only her half sister, but there are those times that i will cherish because i know she is a person that you have to cherish everything she does because it doesn't come often. I know she loves me, because she marked all the good poems and gave me the book. and I know she loves me because she makes me go to the store with her, and i know because on my sixteenth birthday she called me from Spokane, where she lives, to wish me a happy birthday crapster. I just said thank you fish ( that's her name to me, she is never tavona.) i was trying really hard to hide my excitement and shock that she called me. we talked a bit and I ended it like i always do, "bye fish", "i miss you and love you a lot."
That birthday i got the best birthday present i had ever received, "i love you too."
I've gotten one or two before and only one hug that i can remember after the ages of five and two, but all the other signs of affection were followed by the disclaimer, "i only love you because i have to and you're my little sister," but i know she loves me for me because like i said, she makes me go to the store with her, and she gives me poems and calls me on my birthday. and buys me hippie shirts, and makes sure i know everything about music and plays rock band with me and makes fun of my " rock band faces."
I'm glad she read that poem to me, and I'm glad she is my sister. i wrote this because i miss her all the time, I'm really proud of her and i wish she was happy and loved herself as much as i do.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
suggested evacuation.
lower puyallup Vally. please consider evacuation. that is just perfect my mom and i are now at my aunts staying the night, i find this funny and stupid. my mother is stressed beyond belief we spent about an hour putting all of our electronics on high surfaces and and i grabbed all of my valuables, 1. lap top...duh 2. my favorite cloths. 3. cell phone 4. quack quack, I've had him since the day i was born i thought he deserved to be saved from a flood.
to make a horrible night even worse, my grandpa, 80 years old, and still working everyday as a truck driver. i have no idea how he does it but he is so healthy it amazes me, anyhow he is stranded on white pass in his semi like a lot of people are and we cant get in contact with him and he has no food and there are no plans of air lifting those people out, it is to narrow up there for semis to turn around and both ways are closed, thus i am very worried for my grumpy gramps, and for my house.
over all, this sucks.
to make a horrible night even worse, my grandpa, 80 years old, and still working everyday as a truck driver. i have no idea how he does it but he is so healthy it amazes me, anyhow he is stranded on white pass in his semi like a lot of people are and we cant get in contact with him and he has no food and there are no plans of air lifting those people out, it is to narrow up there for semis to turn around and both ways are closed, thus i am very worried for my grumpy gramps, and for my house.
over all, this sucks.
disapointment
We got progress reports today in fifth. My grades, sadly, are reflecting my attitude towards school and it is apparent that it has been difficult to find motivation.
AP English B+
Honors chem B-
Algebra II B
French II B ( i need to make up a presentation so that will go up to an A)
American studies A-
newspaper A
to some those grades would be amazing and their parents would reward them.
I'm Lucky and have a mom who's views on grades are understandable, if i try my best then she is not disappointed in me. She also knows that i always feel incredibly horrible if i have anything lower than an A. I think she figures i punish myself enough, but I'm scared because she brags about me and i know when i do well it makes her genuinely happy and the smile on her face and big embrace that follows it...I'm scared that instead of that hug when she sees that B- its going to be " Chloe, honey... what is this?" She always has this sweet tone when she is disappointed, adding to the guilt a million times.
The one person i love to please the most is my mother, because i know she takes a lot of pride from me doing well. so here on out, I'm going to find my motivation. I can not keep doing this. I can blame it on my summer and the numb affect it has had on me, but i want to be a better person and leave the past in the past. All the horrible things that happened to me during summer will stay in the summer. I have always told myself a person who lets their past be an excuse for the present and a factor of their future is a weak person, I can not and will not be hypocritical. My summer is over, the past 15 1/2 years are over. I'm moving on and am going to kick ass and get my A's back.
oh and my wanting to be an artist will have to wait. The sad world is forcing me to stay is wretched chem...but i will persevere and concur.
on a random not, music is my savor and always will be i love nothing more than music it is and always will be beautiful.
and I've been thinking of my old dog Macy a lot so here's to her, a very missed puppy.
Photobucket src="http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn245/soleigh92/040.jpg" border=0>
Photobucket src="http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn245/soleigh92/010.jpg" border=0>
AP English B+
Honors chem B-
Algebra II B
French II B ( i need to make up a presentation so that will go up to an A)
American studies A-
newspaper A
to some those grades would be amazing and their parents would reward them.
I'm Lucky and have a mom who's views on grades are understandable, if i try my best then she is not disappointed in me. She also knows that i always feel incredibly horrible if i have anything lower than an A. I think she figures i punish myself enough, but I'm scared because she brags about me and i know when i do well it makes her genuinely happy and the smile on her face and big embrace that follows it...I'm scared that instead of that hug when she sees that B- its going to be " Chloe, honey... what is this?" She always has this sweet tone when she is disappointed, adding to the guilt a million times.
The one person i love to please the most is my mother, because i know she takes a lot of pride from me doing well. so here on out, I'm going to find my motivation. I can not keep doing this. I can blame it on my summer and the numb affect it has had on me, but i want to be a better person and leave the past in the past. All the horrible things that happened to me during summer will stay in the summer. I have always told myself a person who lets their past be an excuse for the present and a factor of their future is a weak person, I can not and will not be hypocritical. My summer is over, the past 15 1/2 years are over. I'm moving on and am going to kick ass and get my A's back.
oh and my wanting to be an artist will have to wait. The sad world is forcing me to stay is wretched chem...but i will persevere and concur.
on a random not, music is my savor and always will be i love nothing more than music it is and always will be beautiful.
and I've been thinking of my old dog Macy a lot so here's to her, a very missed puppy.
Photobucket src="http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn245/soleigh92/040.jpg" border=0>
Photobucket src="http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn245/soleigh92/010.jpg" border=0>
Sunday, January 4, 2009
just another witty title.
the end of a magical break.
I'm sad to go back to the simple minded halls of high school, but then i think about it and we only have a few more things to get through and summer will be here. The pace that school is going is frighting. i still remember sophomore year and now I'm reaching the end of my first semester in Jr year. High school really does fly.
i have to say last night was one of the best nights of break it was not anything spectacular, i just went over to kortney's, wow shocker, and we did a lot of things planned an amazing spring break got our parents okay and started inviting people, ps if you are reading this and you know you are invited pleasss remember to ask.
sadly Kort and i had our first almost slightly altercation, i laugh it was a misunderstanding of a text because Kortney was snooping. i laugh at this.
i really have no idea why last night was great, it just was.
today i have spent my time cleaning and cleaning out my school stuff getting things all organized putting the finishing touches on my two essays that are due tomorrow, stressing about my Clint Thomas story. i have this horrible feeling that when i get back to school I'm going to crumble and fail miserably. i am dropping chemistry for that reason, i know its a "quitter" thing to do, but i really think it is necessary for my sanity. when I'm in that class i feel as though I'm a goose trying to fly with ducks, i honk they quack. The unknown and the reasons just because don't make it easy for my brain to grasp. i suppose i am a quitter but I'm okay with that for once. when it comes to chemistry that is. In place of my second period i am taking painting I'm sure i will not be very good at it, but i really don't care i want to go in put my ipod in and listen to music and paint i could just swirl my brush around for all i care i will pretend I'm amazing.
ending, i love self improvement I'm embarking on a journey to improve myself. It's fun.
I'm sad to go back to the simple minded halls of high school, but then i think about it and we only have a few more things to get through and summer will be here. The pace that school is going is frighting. i still remember sophomore year and now I'm reaching the end of my first semester in Jr year. High school really does fly.
i have to say last night was one of the best nights of break it was not anything spectacular, i just went over to kortney's, wow shocker, and we did a lot of things planned an amazing spring break got our parents okay and started inviting people, ps if you are reading this and you know you are invited pleasss remember to ask.
sadly Kort and i had our first almost slightly altercation, i laugh it was a misunderstanding of a text because Kortney was snooping. i laugh at this.
i really have no idea why last night was great, it just was.
today i have spent my time cleaning and cleaning out my school stuff getting things all organized putting the finishing touches on my two essays that are due tomorrow, stressing about my Clint Thomas story. i have this horrible feeling that when i get back to school I'm going to crumble and fail miserably. i am dropping chemistry for that reason, i know its a "quitter" thing to do, but i really think it is necessary for my sanity. when I'm in that class i feel as though I'm a goose trying to fly with ducks, i honk they quack. The unknown and the reasons just because don't make it easy for my brain to grasp. i suppose i am a quitter but I'm okay with that for once. when it comes to chemistry that is. In place of my second period i am taking painting I'm sure i will not be very good at it, but i really don't care i want to go in put my ipod in and listen to music and paint i could just swirl my brush around for all i care i will pretend I'm amazing.
ending, i love self improvement I'm embarking on a journey to improve myself. It's fun.
Friday, January 2, 2009
the angry boy a bit to insane
the title has no relevance i was just listening to that song and i like that line.
i really love that song because it talks about putting the past away and friendship or love i guess how you look at it, but it says so much and i can sing every word... almost.
my little leo, by the way since he such a sissy puppy boy he is named after leo from that 70's show, the hippie, i thought maybe it would make him more manly, any who little leo has his head on my laptop looking up at me. its pretty cute, he wants more muffin and now he just did a pathetic little bark. apparently this a rambler blog. i was just thinking how cool it would be to be a spoiled dog they never have to do anything and they just get to look cute and beg for muffin. perfect. for along time i didn't even like my dog because i missed my old dog macy she died this summer and she was perfect but then we got leo and it was weird, but he is growing on me with his puppy bratty ways.
when i get old i really want to bird watch and use it as an excuse to people watch, i find people fassssscinating. how they interact with others, body language all of it. when i see a person i give them a name and what they do and decide if they are happy and wonder what they are thinking i think i could possibly be weird for that, but it is a fun game.
so today, i talked to Megan on the phone to tell her it will be okay. she knows. then kort and i went to dinner we wanted to go to red robbin but there was not even a parking spot so we went to applebees or apple bees? i have no idea but they were really friendly, i didn't know they held the door or you, i was shocked i thought it was cool. i love nice people, they make my day. i'm gonna work on being that nice person that makes people's days.
we ate and had friendly people except fir our waiter he was...weird, and he asked me if i wanted a salad with my pasta i said yes not knowing i had to pay an extra 4 bucks for it, i thought it was rude to not tell me it was more money. tricky man he was.
after the movie we went and saw bedtime stories. the little pig thing was adorable. i loved it. other than that it was okay.
then i came home. and i am here on my bed blogging not the most exciting day but a lot happened in a way. i was thinking about it, how scary is it going to be when high school is over and we are not teenagers anymore. we wont have an excuse to be dumb anymore that scares me i really don't want to grow up, some of it is fun but others no. we all complain about stupid high school and how much drama there is, when really if you want to stay away from drama you can and high school is our blanket of safety. it's just scary.
i think i'm done.
i really love that song because it talks about putting the past away and friendship or love i guess how you look at it, but it says so much and i can sing every word... almost.
my little leo, by the way since he such a sissy puppy boy he is named after leo from that 70's show, the hippie, i thought maybe it would make him more manly, any who little leo has his head on my laptop looking up at me. its pretty cute, he wants more muffin and now he just did a pathetic little bark. apparently this a rambler blog. i was just thinking how cool it would be to be a spoiled dog they never have to do anything and they just get to look cute and beg for muffin. perfect. for along time i didn't even like my dog because i missed my old dog macy she died this summer and she was perfect but then we got leo and it was weird, but he is growing on me with his puppy bratty ways.
when i get old i really want to bird watch and use it as an excuse to people watch, i find people fassssscinating. how they interact with others, body language all of it. when i see a person i give them a name and what they do and decide if they are happy and wonder what they are thinking i think i could possibly be weird for that, but it is a fun game.
so today, i talked to Megan on the phone to tell her it will be okay. she knows. then kort and i went to dinner we wanted to go to red robbin but there was not even a parking spot so we went to applebees or apple bees? i have no idea but they were really friendly, i didn't know they held the door or you, i was shocked i thought it was cool. i love nice people, they make my day. i'm gonna work on being that nice person that makes people's days.
we ate and had friendly people except fir our waiter he was...weird, and he asked me if i wanted a salad with my pasta i said yes not knowing i had to pay an extra 4 bucks for it, i thought it was rude to not tell me it was more money. tricky man he was.
after the movie we went and saw bedtime stories. the little pig thing was adorable. i loved it. other than that it was okay.
then i came home. and i am here on my bed blogging not the most exciting day but a lot happened in a way. i was thinking about it, how scary is it going to be when high school is over and we are not teenagers anymore. we wont have an excuse to be dumb anymore that scares me i really don't want to grow up, some of it is fun but others no. we all complain about stupid high school and how much drama there is, when really if you want to stay away from drama you can and high school is our blanket of safety. it's just scary.
i think i'm done.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
watch out for the land mines.
To begin this journey of written memories i should start off with documenting what i am like at this wretched age of sixteen. My head is constantly zooming from one absurd thought to the next. Insecurities have rented a rather large house in the town called my head. I have troubles sleeping because i can never find my off button, I try to count sheep but then I go on naming them instead and that leads me back on to my trail of thoughtless thinking. Actually, most of my thinking is complete nonsense. As hard as i try it will never be blissful clear concise thinking that will bring any good. Besides my messy chaotic thinking I'm sickly average and obnoxious.
recap of last night. It was new years and thank god to the end of 2008. Kort and i went to taylor and colin's party, because of certain arrangements it was only okay at times, but overall a nice party and i enjoyed myself for the short time we were there. kort shannon jack and i left, and jack kort and i went to Safeway to get apple cider after that we all three went back to korts house to bring in the new years together. i realized a lot that night, that not all boys go for people you think they would it was refreshing and a nice thing to know starting off the year. Around one we took jackson home and kort and i headed back with a great sense of happiness. When i'm in the car next to my best friend and the music is cranked i feel like i finally belong to some part of this world. lately i have felt so out of place and beaten down. a lot has happened in 2008 and it has ruined a lot of relationships, because of this summer i have pushed away so much and blockaded myself from more than i should have. To a common outsider i look and sound perfectly fine but inside i know what i am doing, i am trying hard to run away and tell myself i don't want anything and it really blows balls. as hard as i try i cant fit in i am not skinny nor pretty i am averagely smart i am told i'm funny but i think i am just a bitch. matter of opinion i suppose.
about blockading myself, i used to really like this boy his name wont be written for reasons but it was a deep like and i was his close friend and we were so much alike it was scary, but he got a girlfriend and my summer scared me away from anything like a relationship so now my mom constantly asks why i don't like anybody and she does not realize why but i never talk to her about this summer because i know deep down it hurts her. so lately its been a house full of land mines because as much as we try, i really just don't think we understand each other. love is definitely there but understanding is something we need to work on.
this is long enough although i have a lot more to say. life sucks but i know i should not say that because i have so much to be thankful for.
recap of last night. It was new years and thank god to the end of 2008. Kort and i went to taylor and colin's party, because of certain arrangements it was only okay at times, but overall a nice party and i enjoyed myself for the short time we were there. kort shannon jack and i left, and jack kort and i went to Safeway to get apple cider after that we all three went back to korts house to bring in the new years together. i realized a lot that night, that not all boys go for people you think they would it was refreshing and a nice thing to know starting off the year. Around one we took jackson home and kort and i headed back with a great sense of happiness. When i'm in the car next to my best friend and the music is cranked i feel like i finally belong to some part of this world. lately i have felt so out of place and beaten down. a lot has happened in 2008 and it has ruined a lot of relationships, because of this summer i have pushed away so much and blockaded myself from more than i should have. To a common outsider i look and sound perfectly fine but inside i know what i am doing, i am trying hard to run away and tell myself i don't want anything and it really blows balls. as hard as i try i cant fit in i am not skinny nor pretty i am averagely smart i am told i'm funny but i think i am just a bitch. matter of opinion i suppose.
about blockading myself, i used to really like this boy his name wont be written for reasons but it was a deep like and i was his close friend and we were so much alike it was scary, but he got a girlfriend and my summer scared me away from anything like a relationship so now my mom constantly asks why i don't like anybody and she does not realize why but i never talk to her about this summer because i know deep down it hurts her. so lately its been a house full of land mines because as much as we try, i really just don't think we understand each other. love is definitely there but understanding is something we need to work on.
this is long enough although i have a lot more to say. life sucks but i know i should not say that because i have so much to be thankful for.
there is nothing like your first time.
today was good. this blog thing is going to take some getting use to. writing my feelings and ripping out my heart for all to see. weird concept but maybe it will help... maybe. later we will all experience the first true Chelsea blog. wow epic shall it be.
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