To begin this journey of written memories i should start off with documenting what i am like at this wretched age of sixteen. My head is constantly zooming from one absurd thought to the next. Insecurities have rented a rather large house in the town called my head. I have troubles sleeping because i can never find my off button, I try to count sheep but then I go on naming them instead and that leads me back on to my trail of thoughtless thinking. Actually, most of my thinking is complete nonsense. As hard as i try it will never be blissful clear concise thinking that will bring any good. Besides my messy chaotic thinking I'm sickly average and obnoxious.
recap of last night. It was new years and thank god to the end of 2008. Kort and i went to taylor and colin's party, because of certain arrangements it was only okay at times, but overall a nice party and i enjoyed myself for the short time we were there. kort shannon jack and i left, and jack kort and i went to Safeway to get apple cider after that we all three went back to korts house to bring in the new years together. i realized a lot that night, that not all boys go for people you think they would it was refreshing and a nice thing to know starting off the year. Around one we took jackson home and kort and i headed back with a great sense of happiness. When i'm in the car next to my best friend and the music is cranked i feel like i finally belong to some part of this world. lately i have felt so out of place and beaten down. a lot has happened in 2008 and it has ruined a lot of relationships, because of this summer i have pushed away so much and blockaded myself from more than i should have. To a common outsider i look and sound perfectly fine but inside i know what i am doing, i am trying hard to run away and tell myself i don't want anything and it really blows balls. as hard as i try i cant fit in i am not skinny nor pretty i am averagely smart i am told i'm funny but i think i am just a bitch. matter of opinion i suppose.
about blockading myself, i used to really like this boy his name wont be written for reasons but it was a deep like and i was his close friend and we were so much alike it was scary, but he got a girlfriend and my summer scared me away from anything like a relationship so now my mom constantly asks why i don't like anybody and she does not realize why but i never talk to her about this summer because i know deep down it hurts her. so lately its been a house full of land mines because as much as we try, i really just don't think we understand each other. love is definitely there but understanding is something we need to work on.
this is long enough although i have a lot more to say. life sucks but i know i should not say that because i have so much to be thankful for.
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